From Bootcamp to Bedrest....my journey

Bootcamp to bedrest...

At the beginning of pregnancy, I can't tell you how many people made mention of "If you have to go on bedrest, I think you might just die."  or "You would be the worst bedrest patient EVER!"
I didn't doubt them, and quickly agreed and thought, "Seriously, what would I do with myself?"
Well, here ya go!  As you can tell, I don't blog very often (looking back, my last post was 2012, so I can't even claim an annual update.)  It's mostly because I don't sit still very often.  
I have lots of different opportunities with my job at EMPower Nutrition to teach bootcamp, counsel people on nutrition at Midland Women's Clinic, personal train clients, and do lots of activities in a variety of different places.  
I also am involved at Midland Bible Church in the ladies ministry, small group, and youth activities.  
I also began my provisional year with the Junior League of Midland last August.
Wally and I love to entertain and have friends over, I just planted my garden and flowerbeds, I enjoy working out, I walk my golden retriever Champ daily, and so many other fun and active things...

OK, sorry for the selfish grieving of what used to be...I'm over it (ok maybe not, but I will restrain myself)

Let me give you a little bit of background...Here's a little bit of our story

Week 21 of my pregnancy: we went in for the anatomy scan and discovered our little guy (his name is Cooper Christian Dunn) was just that....VERY LITTLE....and it looked like we were having some issues with the umbilical artery blood flow.
Scary!  My instructions were to cram in as many calories and as much protein as possible and highly restrict my cardio and workout to see if we could get the little dude some extra nutrients and GROW! #growcoopergrow

Week 24: Yikes!  Very little growth was seen and through the umbilical artery dopplers, absent end diastolic flow was seen...sent me to the MFM (maternal fetal medicine), gave me steroid shots...it was looking like Coops might come early...he was going to have to be a little fighter and we may be in the NICU for a while since July 21st was my due date.  Miraculously, blood flow looked so much better that afternoon. PRAISE THE LORD!  We would now do weekly dopplers of the umbilical artery and keep a closer eye on this little guy.

Week 28:  Dopplers had been all over the place (no absent though), but this week they were all elevated.  We decided to do a biophysical profile (BPP) and NST.  Coops (much like his dad) wasn't a morning person or a test taker and we "failed" both tests.  Back to the MFM.  After a better BPP that afternoon, my Dr. and the MFM decided bedrest was in the cards for me.  We had to increase my uterine blood flow and try to keep my blood pressure in check.  Biweekly BPPs and dopplers.  Keeping an even closer eye, trying to keep Coops cooking a while longer. #keepcoopercookin

Well, I am now 31 weeks as of yesterday and am still holding steady on bedrest.  Each appt. has been such an adventure and emotional roller coaster. You never know what to be prepared for...are we going to deliver our child today or will I be sent home for another couple of days of bedrest?  

However, God has been so faithful and made miracles happen, unexplainable by medicine.  This has been a really hard journey, a trial indeed, but God has given me some insights, realizations, and lessons with all my extra time I've had to think (and sit and lay). I had no idea that being still would be a trial. Everyone kind of thinks, "Oh bedrest, watch TV, read, take naps....that would be awesome!"  Let me just say its not...it sometimes feels like you're in prison inside your house.

Although a difficult season (which is something I am trying to keep focused on, that it is just a season, it isn't forever, though it might seem that way right now), it is something I don't want to forget.  I love journaling, so I thought I would "journal" some of the lessons and vulnerably share them here, and with you.  Hopefully they can cheer you up, make you laugh, or encourage you in some way! (or maybe just waste some time...)

Who knows but here goes nothing...

I think the overarching lesson through this entire pregnancy (really through the last year of life) is that God is completely trustworthy and faithful.  He really does have our best interest at heart and wants what is best for us.  He also gives and provides us with exactly what we need. We don't have to be anxious or fearful because he offers a peace that surpasses understanding, even in the midst of circumstances that aren't fun.  We can also choose to rejoice in the Lord ALWAYS (Phil 4:4), even when the circumstances stink.  Joy is something that doesn't depend on the things you're walking through, but instead a daily, moment by moment, choice to know that God is in control and your trust and hope is found in Him alone.  

The song "What Joy" (Psalm 146) was such an encouragement and goes like this:

You made the heavens and the earth

The sea and all that is in them

You promises remain

You give justice to the weak

Forever Lord You reign

What joy, what joy

For those whose hope is in the name of the Lord

What peace, what hope

For those whose confidence is in Him alone

You make the blinded eyes to see

And cherish those who seek Your face

Your faithful love endures

You came to let the slave go free

You cause the sinner to sing praise

In You we are secure

Hallelujah

Hallelujah

Hallelujah (forever we will sing)

Hallelujah (praises to the King)

Listen Here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_Yv81-Q8wKA

One scripture I've clung to is Isaiah 26:3-4 "You keep him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on you, because he trusts you.  Trust in the Lord forever, for the Lord God is an everlasting rock."

So much of the time I want to have things done my way and really get frustrated and bitter at God when my expectations aren't met or things didn't go as I would have them go.  I often feel like screaming at God, "Why aren't you holding up your end of this deal?"...I really had envisioned a healthy pregnancy, where I could be active the entire time, and pop out a healthy child in the end.  After all, I am young and fit, I exercise daily, I eat healthily, I was doing everything in my control to make this happen.  I've had to cling to the fact that God really is in control and sovereign over everything (and I'm NOT). I get to daily sacrifice my plans that I so tightly am clinging to, and instead have the "open hands" approach.  As difficult as it was, one of the things I started telling God was that even as much as I loved Cooper, I knew He loved him more than I did.  I knew that God had called me to steward Cooper, but really Cooper was His.  He was delicately knitting together Cooper in my womb, and had great purposes for him, unknown to me right now. I knew this wouldn't be the first time I would have to trust God with my child's life, and parenthood is filled with the moment by moment trusting the Lord.

I've realized I am a selfish person and really desire my life to be comfortable above all else. I often think I'm owed or entitled to it.  I have even thought selfishly through this bedrest time that I wish Cooper would just come and I wouldn't have to do this anymore. (Ugh, really...)

I've tried to battle this with the knowledge that God is our perfect father and cares deeply about increasing our faith and growing us up. He calls us to walk by faith not by sight.  This means that sometimes, even in the midst of circumstances we don't understand at all or when we go through things that don't make any sense, we still can be obedient and walk by faith.  We can rest that the outcome isn't up to us, it is up to God.  Sometimes this was minute by minute for me.  I couldn't make it a day, but I could maybe make it this next minute...Alot of my prayers were simply letting God know I didn't have the strength to trust Him, that He was going to have to provide that.  I was fully dependant on him, and had nothing left.  And you know what, He graciously provided it.

A song called "Give Me Faith"  has encouraged me when I feel like I can't do this anymore, and has become something I pray often:

I need You
To soften my heart and break me apart
I need You
To open my eyes, to see that You're shaping my life
All I am, I surrender
Give me faith to trust what You say,
That You're good and Your love is great
I'm broken inside, I give You my life
I need You
To soften my heart and break me apart
I need You
To pierce through the dark and cleanse every part of me
All I am, I surrender
Give me faith to trust what You say,
That You're good and Your love is great
I'm broken inside, I give You my life
And I may be weak but Your Spirit's strong in me
My flesh may fail, but my God, You never will
Give me faith to trust what You say,
That You're good and Your love is great
I'm broken inside, I give You my life
And I may be weak but Your Spirit's strong in me
My flesh may fail, but my God, You never will

Listen Here:

1. www.youtube.com/watch?v=n_Voi3JM8ZA

I know this very well from training and fitness, but sometimes (most times in fact) growth comes with pain and hard things.  Progress comes when you do more reps, sets, time, weight, etc...and not just sticking to what you have always done.  Its easy to only see and focus on the pain and have a very close and narrow perspective when we are walking through a trial. I found my focus going quickly to myself, asking why me, why did I have to go through this?  I often was grieving that I just wanted a "normal" pregnancy (what even is that anyway?!?!).  Also, Wally and I missed going to Destin with our family.  We felt left out and were pretty bitter.  We were missing out on a really fun vacation to the beach, and sitting at home in Midland instead.  Although we were sad, some great advice came that altered our perspective, that Cooper was forever, this vacation was temporary.  His health really was worth it in the end. It was so easy to become self-centered and look at all the things I was missing out on.  My thoughts were, "This is my first child, I just wanted to nest and finish the nursery.  I wanted to spend these last couple of month creating special memories with just Wally and I. I wanted to keep working until the end....and so on." Sometimes enlarging and widening our perspective is exactly what we need.  Get the focus off of me and realize the God I serve, the one that created the universe, has a much bigger and better plan in this, even if I can't see it right now.  

My brother-in-law, David Dunn, wrote a song about just that...changing our perspective and trying to see from God's perspective.  It's called "Today is Beautiful"

Listen here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qdj_w3MxQXo

Sometimes its easy to think God's just out to get us.  I am clinging to the knowledge that God doesn't want to hurt us, but desires to strengthen our trust and go deeper with Him.  A scary prayer, but a great one too is,"God whatever you take me through, I want to trust you.  In whatever circumstances may come, I know that you will never leave or forsake me, and will walk with me through the fire. I know that whatever you have in store for me is exactly what I need, and thats what is best for me."

Another song that's become a prayer and one I've clung to has been "Oceans":

You call me out upon the waters

The great unknown where feet may fall

And there I find You in the mystery

In oceans deep

My faith will stand

And I will call upon Your name

And keep my eyes above the waves

When oceans rise

My soul will rest in Your embrace

For I am Yours and You are mine

Your grace abounds in deepest waters

Your sovereign hand

Will be my guide

Where feet may fail and fear surrounds me

You've never failed and You won't start now

So I will call upon Your name

And keep my eyes above the waves

When oceans rise

My soul will rest in Your embrace

For I am Yours and You are mine

Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders

Let me walk upon the waters

Wherever You would call me

Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander

And my faith will be made stronger

In the presence of my Savior

I will call upon Your name

Keep my eyes above the waves

My soul will rest in Your embrace

I am Yours and You are mine

Listen here:  www.youtube.com/watch?v=eLqTZ07ja7g


I read a concept in Corie Ten Boom's book "Hiding Place" from 1 Thes. 5:16-18 (which says, "Rejoice always. Pray without ceasing, Give thanks in all circumstances, for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you.")  Go read it, but in short, her and her sister end up thanking God for fleas.  Thankfulness in many situations is easy.  Thankfulness when things are tough is really hard.  Typically, I enjoy thanking God for things I consider "blessings", for the good things in life, for friends, family, etc...On the other hand, thanking God for trials and difficulties is really a challenge.  "Thank you God for bedrest and a really challenging pregnancy, thank you that Cooper is really really small, thank you I get to go to the Dr. twice a week"...Needless to say, these weren't my first thoughts, but I have tried to even praise Him in the midst of the storm.  Being thankful is really transformative and has the ability to quickly shift your focus.  Even when I don't feel like it (which is a lot of the time) I try to still say it and rely on the Holy Spirit to start working on me and my heart.

Sometimes when I was so sad, scared, or just didn't know what to pray, I would just start naming things about God's character I knew were true.  He is faithful, He cares deeply for me, He is in control, He is good, He loves me, I can trust Him, etc...and clinging to the fact that the Holy Spirit would intercede for me when I didn't have any words (I know, its hard to imagine me not having any words.....it happens occasionally)

Another thing about bedrest is it gets rid of pride fairly quickly.  Man, to have to ask for everything (water, food, sweeping your floor, washing your clothes, etc...) you get humbled pretty quickly.  I've also been humbled by the community around me that God has placed in my life.  Family and friends have surrounded me, served me, blessed me, and loved me in a way that I didn't know was possible.  From meals, to visits, to walking my dog, to text/phone calls, to cleaning, and so much more, it's truly been unbelievable. You guys are awesome and I'm so thankful for you!  God has overwhelmed me in how you serve relentlessly and show His love through you.

Although, I don't know if I'm there yet, but I hope to someday look back and say, "Thanks God, you really were so near during that time and taught me so much. You walked beside me and carried me when I felt I couldn't walk.  It wasn't fun, but the difficulties really did draw me closer and deeper.  It was truly worth it."

Well, I hope more lessons come with this time of stillness and rest.  I wish rest was something you could store up, because I know soon I will need it when I'm caring for a sweet little boy.  

Until then, I hope to continue to place my trust daily in Christ, my only hope.  I am hoping also to encourage others and bring glory to God in the midst of hardship.  All praise to Him who is able and faithful.

Continue to pray for Wally and I, and sweet baby Cooper.  For his growth, blood flow, and to keep cooking a little bit longer.  May he grow to be a faithful and mighty man of God!

Love,
Micah